Disclaimer: please note, this content is purely comedic.
Today I waited to speak with Toddler version 0.1 support desk for over half an hour. After this time had elapsed, I became even more disgruntled than Toddler version 0.1, who had been tugging on my leg, wiping his snotty nose on my track suit pants, and sulking and whining like a broken record ‘Mummy PLAY! Mummy PLAY! Mummy PLAY!’ for the entire 30+ minutes. So, I thought I’d seek the advice of other parents with a Toddler version 0.1, as to what options may be suitable for our family.
Our Toddler version 0.1 is literally ‘out of the box’. Although very happy with the gorgeous toddler than he is, he does have some short-comings. This is understandably to be expected, given that he is a very early version (in fact, the first released model of his kind). Of interest I have read that there are a significant number of patches, fixes and add-ons now available for Toddler version 0.1. Yes, these are likely to cost me an arm and a leg. Hell, why not, I have already lost my mind care of Toddler version 0.1. I am keen to enlist the help of other parents who have already purchased said patches, etc, for their recommendations. I have compiled a short-list that I am particularly interested in.
Toddler version 0.1 Add-ons
From the immense plethora of options available in this category, I am seriously considering the following:
– Instant sleep button; and,
– Nappy auto change feature.
Toddler version 0.1 Major Fixes
These major bug fixes are released quarterly with each standard major release cycle, usually in response to the most severe and recurrent incidents reported by parents. There are several from this category that have piqued my interest:
– July 2012 release: correct compulsion to break into cupboards full of expensive adult possessions and then irreparably destroy said items (all in the space of a 30 second parent toilet break).
– July 2012 release: correct objection to bed time. This fix covered all issues frequently reported by parents relating to both day-time naps and the over-night sleep. They guarantee no more sleep avoidance behaviours once this fix has been implemented.
– March 2012 release: correct tendency for shopping centre major melt-down and all out floor-sprawling tantrum display.
– December 2011 release: correct fussy eating. It has been reported that after this fix is staged, Toddler version 0.1 will eat everything served up to him or her on their plate with utter relish, and exclaim with sincere gratitude, ‘Thank you Mummy, that was delicious’. This is my personal favourite.
Toddler version 0.1 Patches
These patches were created in between major releases and are generally less expensive. There are a number of patches that could be of assistance to our household.
– Gentle patch. Ensures small, helpless, adorable animals will not come to harm in Toddler version 0.1’s eager hands.
– No more nose picking patch.
– Sit still patch. This functionality is invoked in socially appropriate settings – i.e. it was designed especially for church services, restaurants, and the like. A complete list of triggers is documented on the developer’s site.
– Instant aversion to power-points and all electrical items patch.
– Generously share toys with visiting toddlers patch.
– Use tissue for nose blowing as soon as nose runs patch. This one will be of great benefit to other working parents such as myself who are tired of going to work covered in snail trail snot.
– Instantly occupy self with imaginative and quiet play when phone rings patch. This functionality is good for the duration of the call and will only be switched off when phone is hung up.
Reported Toddler version 0.1 defects – fix pending
The developers of Toddler version 0.1 maintain a publicly accessible defect registry and encourage parents who currently have a Toddler version 0.1 to submit encountered defects (if not already raised).
The instant lock jaw and total body paralysis on presentation of a tooth brush to Toddler version 0.1 is the most severe and recurrently reported defect that is still awaiting a fix to be developed. Other noteworthy reported defects are: instant hearing loss when asked to pack up toys; propensity for misuse of even the most innocuous, toddler friendly object, resulting in certain injury; and, unyielding compulsion for playing with scalding hot objects.
Which Add-ons, Fixes and Patches have you used for your Toddler version 0.1? Have they been of benefit? Do you have any other Defects to report. I’d love to hear, so come on, please share 😉